Only if the old one was falling apart.
A restaurant meal?
Only for a birthday.
A vacation?
Only if the family needed something first.
Now I was standing on a cruise ship, choosing how I would spend two days in the Caribbean.
I felt almost guilty.
Then I remembered the email.
And the guilt vanished.
Daniel handed me the confirmation information.
“You’re all set, Mrs.
Parker.”
“Thank you.”
“Enjoy the islands.”
I looked at my bookings.
I was going to St.
Thomas.
I was going to St.
Maarten.
And not once had I needed to ask Michael or Vanessa for permission.
I was leaving the excursions desk when I heard my name.
“Helen!”
Vanessa was coming toward me, carrying a large tote bag.
Michael followed behind her with Sophie holding his hand.
Ben walked beside him, and Lily trailed a few steps back.
Vanessa stopped when she saw the papers in my hand.
“What are those?”
“My excursion confirmations.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“You booked excursions?”
“Yes.”
“Without telling us?”
I looked at her.
“Did you tell me about yours before you booked them?”
She ignored the question.
“Michael, did you know about this?”
He looked exhausted.
“Mom, we were going to talk about everything over breakfast.”
“I’ve already made my plans for the port days.”
Vanessa stared.
“But we have excursions in St.
Thomas.”
“I know.”
“And St.
Maarten.”
“I know that, too.”
She lowered her voice, though not enough to hide her anger.
“So who’s watching the children?”
Michael shifted uncomfortably.
I glanced at my grandchildren.
Sophie was holding a stuffed dolphin she’d apparently bought at the gift shop.
Ben looked confused.
Lily looked as though she wished the floor would open beneath her.
I refused to discuss the children as though they were luggage that needed to be stored somewhere.
“Let’s not talk about this in front of them,” I said.
Vanessa gave a sharp laugh.
“Oh, now you’re concerned about their feelings?”
I looked directly at her.
“I’ve always been concerned about their feelings.”
Michael stepped forward.
“Vanessa, stop.
Mom, can we have breakfast first?”
I looked at my grandchildren.
Ben had begun staring at the floor.
“Of course,” I said.
“I’d be happy to have breakfast with the kids.”
Vanessa seemed relieved.
“Good.
Then maybe we can finally be sensible about—”
“Breakfast,” I interrupted.
“Not the entire week.”
Her mouth closed.
For a second, nobody moved.
Then Sophie hurried toward me and slipped her small hand into mine.
“Grandma, did you see the swimming pool?”
“Not yet, sweetheart.”
“It’s huge!
And there’s a slide!”
“Well, you’ll have to tell me all about it.”
She smiled.
That smile hurt.
Because I knew exactly what Vanessa was relying on.
She knew I loved these children.
She knew I had a hard time saying no when one of them reached for my hand.
And she’d built an entire vacation around that weakness.
But love for my grandchildren and obedience to their parents were not the same thing.
I was beginning to learn the difference.
Breakfast was awkward.
We found a table near the windows.
Sophie sat beside me and spent several minutes explaining the ship’s children’s activities.
Ben wanted to talk about the arcade.
Lily mostly stayed quiet.
Vanessa stirred her coffee with such force that her spoon clicked against the cup.
Finally, Michael cleared his throat.
“Mom, about tomorrow night.”
I looked up.
“Yes?”
“We have that specialty dinner reservation.”
“I’m aware.”
He hesitated.
“Well, we were hoping you could take the kids to dinner and then maybe spend a little time with them afterward.”
Vanessa set down her spoon.
“We’re only asking for one evening.”
I looked at her.
“Last night you told me I needed to be available.
This morning you’re asking.
Those are two different things.”
She rolled her eyes.
“Do we really need to argue about every word?”
“When those words describe what you expect from me, yes.”
Michael spoke softly.
“Mom, it’s a reservation we’ve been looking forward to.”
“So is mine.”
He blinked.
“What reservation?”
“I have dinner at the Italian restaurant tonight.”
Vanessa stared at me.
“You booked a specialty restaurant?”
“Yes.”
“For how many people?”
“One.”
Her expression changed.
Not into guilt.
Not into concern.
Into disbelief.
“You actually booked yourself a fancy dinner while knowing we needed help?”
I placed my fork on my plate.
“Vanessa, you and Michael booked several dinners without including me.
You didn’t consider that selfish.”
“That’s different.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re a married couple!”
I looked at my son.
Michael had gone pale.
“And I was a married woman for forty-three years,” I said quietly.
Vanessa opened her mouth.
I continued before she could speak.
“I know what it means to want time alone with your husband.
I know what it means to feel exhausted by parenting.
I know what it means to need a break.”
Michael’s face softened.
“But I also know the difference between asking someone for help and making plans that depend on their help without telling them.”
Nobody spoke.
Then Sophie tugged at my sleeve.
“Grandma?”
I turned toward her.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Are you going away?”
My heart tightened.
“No, honey.
I’m right here.”
“But Mommy said you don’t want to stay with us.”
The words struck me with a force I hadn’t expected.
Across the table, Vanessa looked away.
I glanced at Michael.
He was studying his coffee.
I turned back to Sophie.
“Listen to me, sweetheart.
I love spending time with you.”
“Then why won’t you come with us?”
“Because sometimes grown-ups make different plans.
That doesn’t mean they stop loving each other.”
She thought about that.
“So you’ll still watch the dolphin show with me?”
“If there’s a dolphin show, I’d love to watch it with you.”
Ben corrected her.
“It’s not a dolphin show, Sophie.
It’s a movie about dolphins.”
“Then I would love to hear about the movie,” I said.
Sophie nodded, apparently satisfied.
But Lily was watching me.
And I knew the older girl understood more than anyone wanted her to.
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